The Idiot’s Guide To The Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries Engagement

The news that a million teenage girls have been waiting to hear for years finally broke yesterday: Kim Kardashian is engaged! Yayyyyy! You go girl! Strike up the band, and alert US Weekly, there’s a wedding to plan!

And the news that Kardashian is getting set to marry Kris Humphries made it all the more interesting. After all, it’s not often a lousy NBA journeyman has the opportunity to marry into the closest thing to American royalty that we have.

But as I started talking to friends about things yesterday, started discussing it Twitter, I realized something: This is a literal case of two worlds colliding. Kim’s fans know next to nothing about Kris. And sports fans who know Kris (which is hardly all of them, by the way), don’t know much about Kim.

Thankfully, I’m here.

As you can tell my looking at this fancy site, I know my sports. At least I claim to. After all, I wasn’t named the 3,275th Most Influential Sports Blogger by People en Español for nothing folks!

However, what you might not also know about me is that I’m a bit of a Kardashian connoisseur. I started watching their reality TV show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” when Kim was dating Reggie Bush, and have stuck with it since. Through the highs and lows, tears and heartaches, not to mention about 36,000 Kris Jenner hissy fits too.

Why I have I stayed around for so long? I don’t know. But there really is something about this family that keeps you coming back every single week. Sure you might dabble on a Sunday night with friends and think it’s no big deal. You can stop watching any time you want, right? Next thing you know, you look up and it’s six months later, you own four DVD box sets, and just bought Kim’s latest perfume. And you’re a dude, you don’t even wear perfume! That’s the effect these people have.

So with that said, I don’t think there’s a better person to break down America’s new power couple than me. I know sports (at least well enough to know Humphries, which is saying something). And I know reality TV. If only because I have no life.

Here it is, “The Idiot’s Guide To The Kardashian-Humphries Engagement.”

Let’s start with something simple, and start where I think most of you sports fans would want me to.

Who Is Kim Kardashian?: Well honestly, explaining who Kim Kardashian is, is a lot like trying to explain to someone what absolute zero is. It’s damn near impossible.

Kim is one of those people who is famous for simply being famous. She can’t sing. She can’t dance. She can’t play the oboe or violin. She doesn’t play a sport. Really, she’s only famous because of a sex tape she made with singer Ray J a few years ago, a tape that she strategically released just to, in fact make herself famous! As the old Guiness commercials say, “Brilliant!!!”

Since then, she’s been able to maintain that level of famousness, by simply refusing to leave the spotlight. Again, she has no discernable skills, yet shows up in more random places than Waldo.

And incredibly, it’s worked. Forbes estimated that she made $35 million last year alone. All because of a sex tape which honestly, wasn’t all that good to begin with (Not that I’ve watched. I swear!).

I bet she didn’t learn that kind of marketing in college.

Now for you ladies…

Who Is Kris Humphries?: Much like his new fiancée, it’s impossible to quantify exactly who Humphries is.

He gets paid to pay basketball, although anyone who has ever actually seen him play would hardly call him “a professional,” or what he does, “actual basketball.” He’s employed by the New Jersey Nets, an organization that is affiliated with the NBA, but has no traits of an actual NBA team. I once even wrote an entire article about how depressing it is to attend a Nets game in person.

(In my defense, I didn’t want to go to the game, but did get the tickets that day for free. Of course that doesn’t excuse me for driving myself down to New Jersey and paying for parking.

In other words, shame on me)

How Did They Meet?: This is actually where it gets interesting. At least for me anyway.

As best I can gauge, they met after Kim attended a Heat-Nets game back on Halloween Day this past fall. Why was she there? Well she was taping her reality TV spinoff, “Kim and Kourtney Take New York,” just down the road in Manhattan, for one. Plus, there’s that whole “Needing to be out in public in front of the cameras every day,” thing I mentioned before. When you have no actual skill, showing up at random NBA games is just what you do. Even if you think basketball is a game with touchdowns and two point conversions.

What makes things really interesting though, was that yours truly just happened to attend the game that day. I definitely didn’t go to see Kris, and didn’t even know Kim was in the building, until my date alerted me later on. Instead, I went to see LeBron James and the Heat, who were playing the third game of this past regular season.

And while rumors started the next day that the Queen of Reality TV was there to see the man simply known as “The King,” (James), that apparently wasn’t the truth at all. Who knew that sparks actually began to fly with Kardashian and Humphries?

Because really, who could resist a back-up on one of the worst teams in the league?

Alright, Enough of The Mushy Stuff. Make Fun of the Ring Kris Bought?: What, you mean the 20.5 karat, $2 million ring that would’ve made the cast of Blood Diamond shriek in horror? That one? The ring he spent nearly 2/3 of his $3.2 million annual salary on, despite the fact that a lockout is coming in a few weeks that will officially make him unemployed? You mean the ring he bought for a woman who has a sex tape on the internet, and who he will likely never be able to introduce to his family members with a straight face? You’re talking about that ring, right?

Well unfortunately, I can’t make fun of the guy.

Why? What’s Wrong With You? Only A Sucker Would Spend That Much Money On A Ring!: Maybe.

Except here’s the thing: While everyone’s calling Humphries a sucker for splurging on the ring, you know what I’m calling him? A smart, long-term investor. No different than someone who spends $50,000 a year on an Ivy League education, buying this ring isn’t about now. It’s about the future.

Because honestly, how much money he makes playing basketball is kind of irrelevant. For all intents and purposes, his life will never be about basketball again. He will always and forever be known as Mr. Kim Kardashian, which might make a lot of prideful men cringe, but apparently not Mr. Kardashian. I mean Humphries. I mean… You know what, never mind.

Nope, from now on, Kris is just part of the Kardashian brand, another cog in their well-oiled conglomerate. Humphries doesn’t have to worry about his jump shot anymore. Especially when he’s going to make way more off of reality TV shows, fragrances, and whatever else he can get his attach his name to with Kim. The guy played reality TV lottery and just came up with the winning ticket.

To best explain what I’m talking about, let’s look at our old pal Lamar Odom.

Look, I like “Lam-Lam,” as much as the next random dude does. But there’s no way he would ever get his own reality TV if it weren’t for his Kardashian wife. Well, unless Snickers started their own TV channel. Otherwise he’d be out of luck.

But by marrying a Kardashian? The guy is now an international celebrity. He has his own reality TV show, his own fragrance, you name it. Before he was Lamar Odom the basketball player. Now he’s Lamar Odom the basketball player, who is also recognizable to every girl between the ages of 13-19 in America.

That’s an important distinction, and you know why? Well, guess what most girls between the ages of 13-19 in this country have? That’s right, daddy’s credit card. And you know what they’re buying with daddy’s credit card? Whatever the hell the next thing is that’s coming off the Kardashian assembly line. Bobble head dolls. Adult diapers. Whatever. That family basically prints their own money, and Lamar Odom cashed in. To use an old Chris Rock joke, Lamar Odom was rich before he met Khloe Kardashian. Now he’s wealthy. Big difference.

And don’t forget this: Khloe isn’t even 1/10 the superstar Kim is. She’s the Bill Cartwright to Kim’s Michael Jordan.

Let me put it to you a different way. I don’t know is Kris is love. But he might very well be the smartest man in the room.

Whoa, Isn’t Calling Him “Smart,” A Bit Of A Stretch: Actually, ok, you got me. After all, when Kris bought the ring, apparently his only requirement to the jeweler was, “I wanted it big.” Although I was unable to confirm it, I’m guessing his other requests were that it be “shiny,” and “pretty in the light.”

So maybe Kris isn’t the smartest dude in the world. But hey, he’s got more money than you or I will ever have.

So With That Said, What Do You Expect The Wedding To Be Like: Wow, great question. I’m not saying it will be quite like the Royal Wedding. But it will be pretty damn close.

To put this in its proper context, let’s go back to Khloe and Lamar for a second. Remember, after only being engaged for a few weeks, E! turned their wedding into a two-hour TV special. They also sold their wedding photos for a reported $300,000. Not too shabby, huh?

And again, they were only engaged for three weeks!

With Kim and Kris having plenty of time to plan things out (especially if he’s in the midst of a lockout), I fully expect this wedding to shut down E!, if not the entire world as we know it.

I’m thinking at the very least a 10-part mini-series that’s going to be more addicting to the female population than a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s. Gentlemen, if you’re in a relationship, get ready for wedding fever, because your lady WILL make you watch this. We’re going to see Kim pick out the venue. Pick out her dress. Vow celibacy for the few weeks leading up the wedding. Make her mom cry at least 97 times. We’re gonna see everything. After all, the Kardashian family has never once missed out on the opportunity to cash in. On anything.

And you know what? People will watch.

You may not think so right now. But just remember me when you and your girlfriend are having an in-depth conversation about Kim’s selection of cake after Episode 7. Ok?

What’s Your Favorite Random Subplot Of This Wedding: You’re kidding right? Imagine if Nets owner, (and Humphries boss) Mikhail Prokhorov shows up at this wedding. Earth might literally spin off its axis (Ladies, if you want to know more about Prokhorov, I did a profile of him here.)

While the possibilities are too endless to count, my biggest fantasy is that cameras catch Prokhorov giving Kris a pep-talk before he’s set to walk down the aisle.

I can just see it now, with Prokhorov saying in his thick, Russian accent:

“Kriiiis, today is the biggest day of your life. You’re about to marry a beautiful, buxom, womans. Funny, I almost married once, back before the fall in ’87. Her name was Svetlana…and, well, I can’t discuss really much further. Let’s just say we didn’t get married. And she’s digging ditches out in Novosibirsk somewhere!!! HAHAHAAHA.

Anyway Kris, this Kimberly, you’re a lucky man. She’s stunning. Ahh, the Kardashians. I love this show! Wait, she’s Armenian, right?

Actually, super funny story. I remember once I flew to Armenia one time in private jet. I partied two weeks in Brasd—(unidentifiable Armenian city) with prostitutes! Tons of fun! I even ended up in jail for like two days and a half. It was crazy man!

So yeh.


What was I talking to you again about?”

Is There A Loser In This Whole Situation: How about Kim’s older sister Kourtney?

Arguably the cutest of all the sisters, Kourtney missed out on this whole Kardashian gravy train. Instead she got stuck with her loser boyfriend Scott, right before this whole thing took off. She would eventually get pregnant by him a few years ago, at which point, he still refused to put a ring on her finger (Then again, if you’ve ever seen the show, that might be the best thing that ever happened to her).

It does raise an interesting point though: Kourtney is one of the great “What if’s,” in reality TV history. Had she been born a few years earlier, she’d likely be cashing in on her second or third stint of Celebrity Rehab by now. If she was born a few years later, maybe she would’ve ended up with a basketball suitor of her own, much like her sisters. Could Kourtney have pulled Joe Johnson? Ray Felton? Caron Butler? Sadly, we’ll never know.

Instead, she became her generation’s Pete Maravich: Breathtaking to watch every weekend, but sadly, ahead of her time.

Alright Aaron, You’re Making My Head Hurt. Just Tell me What I Need To Know Going Forward: Honestly, I don’t know. With this Kardashian clan, anything and everything seems possible.

I already mentioned the 10-part mini-series, and not only do I think it will happen, I think Ryan Seacrest’s lawyers are drawing up the contract right now.

But beyond that, is anything out of the question?

Could the wedding be telecast live, ala the Royal Wedding? Will there be a $100 DVD box set, with “Behind the Scenes, Never Before Seen Footage?” Are the Kardashian’s just going to start their own television network to air this thing?

Who knows.

But what I can tell you is this: We’re only at the beginning.

(Love the article? Hate it? Disagree with something Aaron said? Let him know by commenting below, or e-mailing him at ATorres00@gmail.com.

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About Aaron Torres

Aaron Torres works for Fox Sports, and was previously a best-selling author of the book 'The Unlikeliest Champion.' He currently uses Aaron Torres Sports to occasionally weigh-in on the biggest stories from around sports. He has previously done work for such outlets as Sports Illustrated, SB Nation and Slam Magazine.