As I mentioned on Thursday, if you’re looking for hard-hitting coverage in the lead-up to next week’s National Signing Day, well, Aaron Torres Sports might not totally be the place for you. There are only so many hours in the day, and less time I spend using those hours to learn about 17-year-old high school football players, the better off we all are. Just trust me on that one.
But while I’ll be the first to admit that I have little interest in learning about high school football players, I’m proud to report that I have no problem taking thinly-veiled shots at the men who’ll coach them in college.
That’s why yesterday, I broke out the first half of my “Fake Recruiting Pitches,” chronicling what I believe to be the most outlandish ways that the coaches of the SEC, Pac-12 and Big East would try to land recruits, and convince them to come to their schools.
Well, today I am back with Part II: Looking at the coaches of the Big Ten, Big XII and ACC.
As always, along with my own recruiting pitches, I encourage you to share your own, in the comments section.
Now, let’s get to the pitches:
Illinois: Hi, I’m Tim Beckham… And just remember: No matter how bad things get around these parts, at least I’m not Ron Zook. Right?
Indiana: Hi, I’m Kevin Wilson… And I tell ya, those Kiel boys have been driving me nuts these last few months. Total prima donnas, those two. Good riddance, is what I say.
Hello? You still there??
Iowa: Hi, I’m Kirk Ferentz… And at Iowa, no matter what happens, you have my word that I’ll never say a bad word about you. Why? Well actually, it’s because I haven’t really said anything interesting in at least a decade. Just not in my nature, I suppose.
Michigan: Hi, I’m Brady Hoke… And to be blunt, small children, old people, and most household pets are terrified of me. But football games? Hell, I plan on winning a lot of those.
Michigan State: Hi, I’m Mark Dantonio… And at Michigan State nobody wins more games, in a less interesting way than we do! And you know what? We’re darn proud of it.
Minnesota: Hi I’m Jerry Kill… And… aww hell, who am I kidding? Unless you like cold weather and losing football games, don’t bother coming to Minnesota.
Nebraska: Hi, I’m Bo Pelini… And I’ll be frank: If you choose any school other than Nebraska, I will hunt down every last one of your family members, strangle them with my bare hands, then run them over with my car… just because I’m sick like that. And if you think I’m kidding, go ahead and test me. I dare you.
On a different note, do you plan on moving to campus for spring ball or summer workouts?
Northwestern: Hi, I’m Pat Fitzgerald… And believe me when I say: no school combines a quality education and second-tier bowl games like we do!
Ohio State: Hi, I’m U–… You know what, let’s stop this charade right now. You know who I am; I know you’re coming to Columbus, so there’s no need to keep going, right? I’ll see you at camp August 4.
Penn State: Hi, I’m Bill O’Brien… And… What’s that? I can’t hear you!! This cell reception at THE SUPER BOWL is just awful right now.
Purdue: Hi, I’m Danny Hope… And I’m not going to lie to you: If you come to Purdue you probably won’t win a ton, and there’s always an 80 percent chance one of your ACL’s will snap like a breadstick at the Olive Garden. But hey, at least we’re not Indiana. Know what I’m saying?
Wisconsin: Hi, I’m Bret Bielema… And if you come to Wisconsin, I guarantee you we’ll be playing in a Rose Bowl at some point. Winning the Rose Bowl is of course, a whole different animal.
Baylor: Hi, I’m Art Briles… And you know that RGIII guy everybody’s been talking about? The one with the funky socks? Yeah, well, I kinda know him…
Iowa State: Hi, I’m Paul Rhodes… And…
You’re coming to Iowa State?
(//Holding back tears//)
Kansas: Hi, I’m Charlie Weis… And don’t listen to that idiot Torres. Whatever joke he’s about to make I’ve been hearing for five years. It wasn’t funny then, and it isn’t now.
And now that’s out of the way, let me tell you about Lawrence…
Kansas State: Hi, I’m Bill Synder, and well son, I’m gonna tell you how it is: At Kansas State, we don’t care much for what you young folks are into. Remember, football isn’t supposed to be fun. You know what’s fun? Waking up every day at 4:30 and getting in an honest day’s work. Now honestly, doesn’t that sound fun to you?
Oklahoma: Hi, I’m Bob Stoops… And if you come to Oklahoma, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll play in at least three BCS bowl games, win two Big XII titles, and likely play for a National Championship or two… And you know what? For some of our fans, that still won’t be good enough… (voice trails off)…
By the way, have you met my brother? That dude is crazy!
Oklahoma State: Hi, I’m Mike Gundy… And it’s ok, just go ahead and ask it: I’m 44, and damn proud of it!
TCU: Hi, I’m Gary Patterson… And I’m new around these parts. Still, even with the move to the Big XII, I am committed to the same things I was before: Winning championships, graduating players, and continuing to wear that goofy visor… even if it makes me look like a golfer on the LPGA Tour.
Texas: Hi, I’m Mack Brown… And nowhere will you receive more ridicule from the national media, and less acclaim, than here at the University of Texas.
Texas Tech: Hi, I’m Tommy Tuberville… And if you come to Texas Tech, well, what are your thoughts on tumbleweed? Are you a fan of tumbleweed, son?
West Virginia: (See yesterday’s list. It includes Dana Holgorsen offering you a beer.)
Boston College: Hi, I’m Frank Spaziani… And well, I don’t know what to tell you. Boston College has gotten less relevant every year I’ve been here, and if anyone actually cared about BC football in this town, I’d have been fired six months ago.
Wait, what was I saying again?
Clemson: Hi, I’m Dabo Swinney… And umm, you didn’t happen to catch the Orange Bowl, did ya? You didn’t!?! Excellent! Have I mentioned that there’s no better time to be a Clemson Tiger than right now!
Florida State: Hi, I’m Jimbo Fisher… And have you seen that lunatic Muschamp down in Gainesville? Tallahassee isn’t looking nearly so bad, is it?
Maryland: Hi, I’m Randy Edsall… And sure, I may have a lower approval rating than the bubonic plague… But on the bright side, if playing in front of a half empty stadium, for an indifferent fan-base sounds fun to you, than you’re gonna love being a Maryland Terp!
NC State: Hi, I’m Tom O’Brien… And… are you smiling? There’s no reason to smile, son. Hell, I haven’t smiled since 1972. No reason to. My first wife left me for the pool boy, and my second wife moved to Canada and won’t return my phone calls. Think that’s funny too? Remember, in life there are no good days, only bad days less worse than others.
So, you ready to come to NC State?
Fine, we didn’t want you anyway.
Wake Forest: Hi, I’m Jim Grobe… And welcome to Wake Forest, home of the most tempered expectations in college football! 3-9? 9-3? Who cares? Nobody can tell the difference around these parts anyway!
Duke: Hi, I’m David Cutcliffe… And…umm… those Cameron Crazies sure are crazy, huh?
Georgia Tech: Hi, I’m Paul Johnson… And I’m proud to report that Georgia Tech football is now the 13th most relevant sports team in the Atlanta metro area. Can you feel the excitement!
Miami: Hi, I’m Al Golden… And forget all the talk of NCAA infractions… Have you seen my tie? It’s pretty quirky, isn’t it?
North Carolina: Hi, I’m Larry Fedora… And remember: Even on our worst day, at least we’re not Duke!
Virginia: Hi, I’m Mike London… And all I can say is… have you seen the girls at Virginia Tech? Yeah, you’re gonna wanna come to Charlottesville.
Virginia Tech: Hi, I’m Frank Beamer… but you can just go ahead and call me “Even Steven.” Every year starts the same and ends the same, to the point that I’ve actually stopped keeping track! What I can promise you though above all though is that if you come to Virginia Tech, two things will happen: We will win ACC Championships and we will bore the American public to tears in doing so.
(Love the article? Hate it? Disagree with something Aaron said? What are your recruiting pitches? Comment below, or e-mail Aaron at ATorres00@gmail.com.
Also for his continued take on all things sports, and updates on his articles, podcasts and giveaways, be sure to follow Aaron on Twitter @Aaron_Torres, Facebook or by downloading the Aaron Torres Sports App for FREE for your iPhone or Android Phones
And finally, Aaron has written his first book! It’s called The Unlikeliest Champion, it’s about the 2011 UConn Huskies National Championship team. It is available for order in Kindle or paperback at both www.uconnbook.com and Amazon.com. Get your order in today!)